I'll Be Damned If I Love You (But I Do Anyway)
by JolytheHypocondriach
Summary: Courfeyrac admits his biggest secret to Jehan. Jehan, too, had a secret.


"I don't know, okay?! I don't know how I feel, and I don't understand why I act the way I do!"

The barricades had fallen only two weeks prior, and everything was getting out of hand. Grantaire and Enjolras had been fighting an increasing amount before Grantaire finally left, leaving behind his friends (or who was left of them). This event had affected Gavroche an unimaginable amount, which had Enjolras staying up all night, every night, to comfort his adopted son. The next three days were stressful for Joly, Marius, Prouvaire, and Courfeyrac as they had to support Enjolras, who could not walk due to injuries from the barricade, and Gavroche at the same time. On the fourth day, they found Grantaire. He was a wreck, sitting drunk in the park, not knowing if he should cry or curse out the world. It was here, that Gavroche completely fell apart. Grantaire was leaving Paris for good, possibly even France. Enjolras and Gavroche had wanted him to stay, and Grantaire wanted to be with Gavroche. At the same time, he wanted Gavroche to have a proper home, so he made him choose. Of course, Gavroche could not. It took fifteen steps to convince Grantaire to stay. Fifteen steps from Enjolras, that is. The longest he had walked since his injuries from the uprising.

During all of this, Courfeyrac hit rock bottom. His Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, that no one could identify, had grown worse with the constant screaming. His mind replayed the three attacks, and made his friends become the enemy. It was Jehan who comforted him after his first episode. Joly was there for the second. He recovered quickly from both, denying that anything ever happened.

The day Grantaire returned, the friends, including Cosette, had all went out to celebrate over dinner. The Cafe Musain was suggested but quickly shot down by Jehan; it was too soon to visit where their friends died. There was another cafe that was only a few blocks away that they agreed on. They sat at a round table. Gavroche sat in between Grantaire and Enjolras; he sat in their laps more than his own seat. Joly was next to Enjolras with Prouvaire on his other side. Courfeyrac sat between Jehan and Marius. Cosette was next to Marius, of course, which left Grantaire on her other side. Dinner was peaceful until Courfeyrac spoke up for the first time that night.

"I don't understand how you two are able to defy God so easily and be happy about it." This was addressed to Enjolras and Grantaire.

Silence fell over the table. Jehan finally spoke, excusing himself, and Courfeyrac, from the table. Courfeyrac did not follow. Instead, he continued his thought, "We were taught that a man loving another man is wrong, so why did you choose to love men? Do you hate yourselves or do you hate God?"

"Courfeyrac, that is enough." Marius spoke up.

"What's gotten into you? You've turned aggressive, rude, and full of hate. If you aren't like that, then you are moping. What is the matter, Courfeyrac?" Jehan finally asked.

"I haven't been doing that at all. I just asked why Grantaire and Enjolras decided to rebel against the Lord and their parents and be gay." Courfeyrac responded simply.

It was the first time the Enjolras was at a loss for words. All he could do was stare incredulously at Courfeyrac. Gavroche wrapped his arms around Enjolras in a feeble attempt to cheer him up.

"Courfeyrac, they didn't," Joly paused to sigh and rub his temple, "just...Why are you so rude to Enjolras and Grantaire? You had known R was gay and you did not mind, then. Why now?"

"Oh, shut up, Joly. You know nothing. Your head's probably crowded from those fake diseases." Courfeyrac said, flippantly.

"Do you need to talk, Courf? Let's go outside for a bit and calm down." Jehan suggested.

His only reply was a nod from Courfeyrac, then they both rose from their chairs and walked out the door.

"Everything that was said to you in there is true, you know. You have been acting different. You seem distant, and when you do talk, it's rude remarks, especially about Grand R and Enjolras' relationship and sexual orientation. What is going on?" Jehan interrogated as soon as the doors closed behind them.

"Just, stress."

"Do not lie to me. I thought we could be honest. What is your problem?"

There was a sigh and a pause before Courfeyrac started, "Are our parents and the church wrong?"

"W-what?"

"Is there something wrong with loving another man? The church says that anyone who does shall burn in Hell."

"Courfeyrac, do you believe that? It is what you choose to believe, that will happen." Was Jehan's only reply.

"I don't want to. I don't think Enjolras and R deserve Hell, but that is what the church says," Courfeyrac trails off and mutters something unintelligible.

"What was that?"

"Nothing."

"Courfeyrac, please. I understand you are under a lot of stress; we all are. I just want to know what is wrong. Please, tell me. Why do you act like this? So rude and full of hate." Jehan attempted on last time.

"I don't know, okay?! I don't know how I feel, and I don't understand why I act the way I do!" Courfeyrac burst, "If I support them then I am against God and my parents. If I don't I am a terrible friend, and..and.."

"And...?"

"I don't want to go to Hell."

"I don't either" Jehan comforted after a long silence.


End file.
